I’m bored, I’m sad, I feel insignificant

                                                                                                                                                                

Before 

  After

November and December of 2023 I found myself without a lot on my schedule except for the usual Holiday things. I had been sick with a few different viruses that had me housebound on and off and a cough that lingered for weeks. I had to cancel some plans because of this and I was feeling a bit off kilter emotionally as well. To add to this, we had an unexpected loss in our extended family and doing the normal decorating for Christmas didn’t hold the usual enthusiasm.

I felt like I needed to take advantage of the time that I had at home so I charged into a home improvement project. Our house is 20 years old and I felt it was time for a new look in my half bath. I had been contemplating redoing our first floor half bath for many months. Ample time is available for such contemplating in this room, if you know what I mean. When we built the house I absolutely loved this room. I painted it purple, which is my favorite color, and it had lots of feminine, flowery items which offset the overabundance of testosterone in my all-boy home.

So, I dove head first into this project. I kept telling myself, “This shouldn’t take too long. It’s a small room. I can do this myself. After all, paying someone to do something that you can do yourself is just not the Hurst way of doing things. Getting busy will help me emotionally, won’t it?”

Initially when I struggled to remove the wallpaper border, I kept telling myself, “It’s going to be ok. You can do this, Mim. You have wanted this change for so long. Don’t get frustrated.”

Well, about half way into the redo my thoughts quickly shifted to, “What was I thinking? Why did I think this would make me feel better, more productive, more satisfied? All it did was make me cough more and make me more aware of my age and lack of flexibility to be on the floor, reaching for those unattainable corners that my short, tired arms can’t reach.” And,  “A half bath is the worst. All it is, is cutting in around all the STUFF!! And who paints a bathroom purple? Didn’t they know it would take 3 coats of primer and 2 coats of paint to get rid of it?”

I eventually got the job done and in spite of my sometimes unhealthy attitude I was able to spend a lot of time in prayer for the family that lost their 26 year old son. I listened to numerous podcasts and had plenty of time for processing and analyzing my motivations for jumping into this redecorating project. Did I really need a project when my body was trying to heal? Did this contribute to my self-worth? Did it provide me with a distraction from grieving? Probably no to all of these questions.

Now that it is all finished I’m actually quite happy with the result, but it caused me to think about my motivations and the “why” behind what propels me forward. It reaffirmed the fact that nothing external will fill a void in my heart that only God can fill. No task can make me feel more significant; only that which affirms who I am in Christ is of value. Listening to my body and allowing time to heal is a gift to embrace, not something to overcome. Productivity can be measured by how well I take care of myself vs how much I accomplish. Finally and most importantly, I am learning to develop a mind shift to retrain my brain to believe that time with God while reading, resting in His presence, and meditation is in fact ‘taking advantage of the time’.